Facing the Fear

This time next week, I will have taught my last lesson at Beaumont, possibly ever.  I've just received my timetable for Samuel Ryder and am busily planning for the next half-term but there is a feeling that is sitting with me that I'm not used to; the feeling of complete and utter terror.

Some slight nerves would be normal at this juncture I think, but this is more than that.  I'm aware that it is going to be a big change for my family as well as myself, but kids are resilient and our new Nanny is wonderful.  I just hope that I won't scare her off with my four sides of A4 instructions as to how to look after my kids.  I managed to edit myself down from six sides and surely more information is better than less?  Right?

At the crux of it, it is absolutely the fear of failure.  Nearly everyone that I have broached this with has laughed and poo-pooed the idea of me poo-pooing my pants but it is really true!

"But you're Nikki Ward!  You aren't scared of anything!" has been a familiar refrain.  Along with:

"You are fabulous; you know you will be fabulous."

I have obviously spent so many years telling everybody I meet how wonderful I am at everything, that they've started to believe it, whereas I seem to have forgotten.  This blog is not a cry for sympathy, or for a load of comments telling me that I am wonderful, though thank you for the thought.  It is merely an outpouring of anxiety that I hope will ensure therefore that the worst does not after all happen.

So what is the worst that could happen?  It would be, that I am a distinct non-event.  If I have been told once, I have been told a million times, that this job is the perfect opportunity to make a huge impression and to turn a department around in a school that is on the up. All well and good, but what if I arrive and my huge splash actually becomes a little drip in a puddle.  Well awkward for all of us.

I still believe that I am a brilliant teacher, but I'm wondering if I am just brilliant at Beaumont.  I have spent a long time there and not much time anywhere else over the years and we fit extremely well.  I like the Beaumont way of doing things, Beaumont likes me and it tolerates my idiosyncrasies.  How do I know that I am able to run my own department?  Maybe the fact that I am successful is that I am just currently flying underneath the extraordinarily capable wing of my amazing Head of Department.

Samuel Ryder is going to be very different.  I am slightly concerned that the kids won't jump through the hoops I need them to.  The catchment is different to Beaumont, however, as Sam put it, it's the other end of St. Albans, not Moss Side.  Fair point.

Having fun has been banned (by me) in our department office at Beaumont for my last week.  Suddenly all our jokes about me being alone in a department, howling at my desk, aren't quite as funny.  Even the Greek has temporarily toned down his elation at my departure and removed the calendar where he is crossing off the days. ;-)

It will be fine.  Of course it will.  Not every kid in the school will hate me.  I only have to keep up the pretence in the staff room of being a nice, non-alcoholic deviant for a few weeks, surely?  If it doesn't work out then I will just have to leave won't I?  I will quietly resign, lay-off the Nanny with a huge guilt-payout and skulk up to school in massive sunglasses to pick my own children up whilst being incredibly nice all the time to my suddenly-having-to-earn-loads-more-money husband.  Hmmmmm, none of that really bears thinking about.  Maybe it is time I manned up and remembered that Nikki Ward is perfectly capable of doing this after all...